In case you did not know, the brain of a child is not a miniature version of our adult brain. It is a brain in development that connects itself to the environment. It is the responsibility of parents to construct a world that is rich in wiring instructions, both physically and socially. Here are 7 ways how to raise resilient, versatile children if you are a parent.
7 Ways How To Raise Resilient, Versatile Children
Being a father of two, I am very well aware that we the parents can do a lot to help ensure that our children can grow up to be tougher (mentally and physically) as well as become more well-rounded people. In other words, we are responsible to help our children become more versatile. Here are seven parenting principles based on years of neuroscience and psychology research that will help your child develop a brain that is flexible and therefore resilient.
1. Always Talk and Read To Your Children
Even when children are just a few months old and do not comprehend the meanings of words, research indicates that their brains still utilise them. In fact, my wife and I started talking and reading to our children when they are still in her womb. I am a staunch believer of prenatal communication and that was why my wife and I always talked and read to our babies when they were still swimming inside their respective amniotic sacs.
This lays the neural groundwork for future learning. Therefore, the larger the effect, the more words they hear. Additionally, their vocabulary and reading comprehension will improve. Hence, it is especially helpful to educate them on the "emotion words" such as sad, happy, and angry just to name a few. They can act more freely the more they know.
We, parents, need to use this advice by going into more detail about how other people feel. Talk about what makes people feel what they do and how that might affect them: "Do you see that girl crying? She is in pain because she fell off her bike and brushed her palms. She is sad and probably wants her parents to give her a hug."
You can consider yourself as your kids' very own personal tour guide through the mysterious world of humans and their noises and movements. It is up to you to introduce them to every little thing that is happening around them by using your voice. So do talk and read to your children as often as you can. In fact, it is an obligation as a parent to do so.
2. You Are Your Children's Gardener
As parents, we should remember that we are their most trusted gardeners. We are not supposed to be their so-called carpenters. More often than not, carpenters shape timber into the desired form. On the other hand, by cultivating a fertile landscape, we as their gardeners aid the natural growth of plants or in this situation our children with limitless potential.
In the same way, parents who are meticulous gardeners can shape their children to become something like a pianist. Or, we can create a setting that helps our children grow in a healthy way no matter what path they choose. You might want your kid to play the piano in front of a large audience one day, but forcing them to take lessons (the carpenter method) could turn them into virtuosos or kids who don't like music and see it as a chore. This sounds like our Asian Tiger Moms Parents, no?
The gardener approach would be to provide our children with a diversity of musical opportunities and observe which ones pique their interest. Do they enjoy banging on cookware and pans? Perhaps your child is an aspiring guitarist? Or maybe they enjoy being a drummer even more?
Once you have determined the type of "plant" you are cultivating, you can "adjust the soil" so that it can flourish. In other words, we parents are supposed to be our children's "enhancers", helping them to achieve their maximum potential and letting them be the best version of themselves that they desire.
3. Let Your Children Copy You
Have you ever noticed that certain activities that seem like labour to you, such as cleaning the house or weeding the garden, can be considered play by a child? So instead of you trying to do everything on your own, why not let your kids have fun while carrying the chores for you?
Children learn by observing, playing, and most importantly, imitating adults. It is an effective method of learning and imparts a sense of mastery. Therefore, deliver them a miniature broom, garden spade, or toy lawnmower and allow them to begin imitating.
One caution: Children (especially younger ones) will mimic your behaviour, for better or for worse. When my son was younger, he saw me drinking coffee all the time. So, naturally, he wanted to drink what I have been drinking in front of him all the time.
4. Give Your Children Explanations
Sometimes, it can be exhausting when your children ask "Why?" repeatedly. However, when you explain something to them, you transform something new and novel into something predictable. Brains function more efficiently when they can make accurate predictions.
Refrain from responding to "why" inquiries by your children with lazy and irresponsible answers of "Because I said so." Instead, take time to patiently explain everything to your kids. Children who comprehend the reasons for a particular behaviour are better able to control their actions.
If all your children know is, "A big grownup (daddy or mommy) told me I shouldn't eat all the ice cream or I'll get in trouble," that may not help them when you the parents aren't around and we cannot be around them like 100% of the time.
It's better if they understand, "I shouldn't eat all the chocolate flavour ice cream because I'll get a stomachache and my sister will be upset that they won't get dessert." This kind of reasoning helps your little ones see how their acts affect other people and makes them more empathetic. So the more you explain to them, the better they can reason with something rationally.
5. Describe The Actions, Not The People Involved
I have two little boisterous and sometimes a wee bit playful kids. When my daughter hits his brother, I refrain from labelling her as "a bad girl." Instead, I will explain to my daughter how her action has caused her older brother to feel pain. I will describe how her hitting hurts her brother and in turn, makes him feel sad and in pain. Then, I will ask her to apologise to her elder brother.
The same rule applies to compliments: I try not to call my son "a good boy" if he has done something exemplary. Instead, I will comment on his actions by saying, "You made the right decision by not hitting your little sister back." I am sure that such spoken words used will assist his brain in constructing more beneficial concepts regarding his actions and himself.
Another idea is to talk about what the people in a story do. Don't say, "Donald is a liar," which is about the person when someone doesn't tell the truth. Say, "Donald lied," which is about what you are doing. Then ask, "What do you think Donald was thinking when he did that?" How will other people react when they hear? Should they let Donald go for what he has done?"
By approaching things with interest instead of certainty, you show your children how to be flexible in real life. You are also showing that Donald is not always dishonest, but that he is lying in this case. Maybe he would be more honest in other situations. By describing and narrating actions, you give your children the opportunity to give their own responses by thinking critically on their own.
6. Encourage Independence and Responsibility
Children like to try things on their own, like getting dressed or putting together tasks, without your help. I still remember when my kids started walking and they refused to be carried around by me anymore. In other words, the older your children are, the more independent they want to be. This is actually good news. You want them to feel like they have some capabilities to do things on their own. In fact, we as parents should be their facilitators when it comes to developing their sense of agency.
Even things that look like bad behaviour could be our children's way of trying to figure out how they affect the world. Your three-year-old baby is not "bossing" you when she throws her toys on the floor and waits for you to pick them up. She is probably learning something about how gravity works, right? She is also learning that what she does changes the world around her. So pick up the toys and give her another try.
As parents, we should encourage our kids to be more independent and responsible in their actions and even in their thinking. We should recognise and support their very own autonomy, allowing them to make choices, and empowering them to take ownership of their actions and decisions. So try not to decide everything for them. This is called "Applaud Agency" in parenting.
In essence, We parents should try our level best to provide age-appropriate opportunities for our little ones to exercise their agency. This includes allowing them to make choices, solve problems, and take responsibility for their actions. Of course, all these will be within appropriate boundaries and guidelines set by us.
7. Safely Expand Your Children's Social Circles
In addition to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and other children, strive to expose your children to more people, particularly when they are babies. According to research, babies, toddlers and kids who interact frequently with speakers of diverse languages may retain critical brain wiring that facilitates their future acquisition of additional languages.
I find this to be especially true for my two children as they have to speak to me in English, to their mother in Mandarin and to their grandfather in Bahasa Melayu. Hence, right now they are relatively quite proficient in 3 of these languages.
Similarly, young children who are exposed to a variety of faces may develop neural pathways that allow them to distinguish and remember a larger variety of faces in the future. This may be the simplest way for us parents to help our kids to be more open to diverse cultures and traditions of people from all walks of life.
Conclusion
Do know that being a parent is a full-time job that will only end when we are gone. Having said so, our presence especially in the initial stages of our children's life is very, very crucial for their physical, emotional and spiritual developments later on in their life. We, parents, are responsible to raise our children to be resilient and flexible kids. We cannot afford to have lapses in our concentrations with so much at stake.
It can be hard to know when to step in and when to step back. But if we are always there for our children teaching them and taking care of all their needs, they don't learn how to do things on their own. Sometimes, letting them fight helps them get stronger and learn what happens when they do bad things. The key is to always be involved in their life positively to help empower them to scale greater heights in the future. Remember that parenting is a fun lifetime job!
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